Posts in spring
The End Of All Ends
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Someone asked me the other day what my goals are; for life, in general. In the grand scheme of things, what do I dream of?

And I dream of so much. I have visions on top of visions, 76 goals at all times. I dream of a cottage. Of forests. Of lakes. Of pine needles and camp fires. I dream of having a garden, with big crowns of lettuce and potatoes. A green house with cucumbers and cherry tomatoes. Of keeping bees, goats, donkeys, 20 dogs and 2 cats. A big fat horse, that will take me around fields of wild flowers. I dream of having kids, to teach them about everything. Teach them about space and love,and how to be an active participant in society, how to cry and how to make someone smile. I dream of creating something I’m proud of. Releasing it to the world and to have people saying how proud they are of me. How beautiful it is. I’ll say “thank you!” instead of" “oh it’s nothing”. I dream of celebrating a lot; both celebrating my own life but also others.

I dream of meaning something to more people. Or mean more, but to a few. I dream of becoming someone people can trust, that they feel safe around. Someone who people cry to, someone that people go to when they need help. Or wanting a meal and a night in. I dream of going to the north and south and east and west. But intentionally, not just weekends here and there. I dream of really being where I am. At all times.

But that’s not what my reply was, of course. I replied that it doesn’t matter; that earth is doomed to be destroyed so what’s the point in having life goals. It was over a drink, so it wasn’t that serious. But the fear is real; I’m so anxious all the time that those dreams of mine won’t mean anything because we’re ruining our planet. And I tell myself I’m not allowed to be mad at others, because I’m not perfect myself.

But it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being an active participant in society; it’s about taking responsibility, to make the earth a better place. Even if it only improves a tiny, tiny, tiny bit. It’s still important, it’s still worth it. So I need to do better. That’s my goal. I need to write about it more. I refuse to stand at the end of all ends and have regrets; thinking I didn’t do enough. I didn’t even try. To know that I only had fear and anxiety, and left it at that. That I sat inside, trying to hide from the danger. To believe it would magically disappear by itself like in a fairytale.

Anyway. Spring has come to Vancouver, I have so much to talk about. The sweet smell of flowers and trees makes me hungry and full at the same time. I could eat you up, I love you so.

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Week 12 Moments

Surely week 12 of the year 2019 marked the proper beginning of spring. Light jackets, birds singing, sunsets to-die-for (light coming in through the blinds), spring flowers and allergies. Allergies and a head cold from hell.

After announcing at work that I never get sick and would love to have a “sick day” I was doomed to get a nasty cold! Monday and Tuesday was spent at home, not doing much. Watching tv and baking banana bread. Trying to breathe.

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The super moon came and went. On Wednesday morning as I walked to the bus, ready to start work again, I saw a glimpse of her before she went down behind the trees and I got chills. For 2 seconds. This picture below was not of that moment.

Am I the only one that rarely document exact moments of joy? Because when I’m in them, those moments, I forget. It’s only later when I’m out and about reflecting that I will stop and take a moment to document something that, sort of, resembles that moment.

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On Friday I got off at 14.30. Afterwards I went home, scrubbed dishes and cleaned even though I felt like dying (still sick). Later on I took the bus + train to meet Andrew outside his work. We bought a new room spray, had dinner and then went to see Us - which was so, so good.

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On Saturday I met my friend Keith who just moved here from Ireland. We shared pitchers and ate pasta as we updated each other of this and that. It was the first time this spring that I could sit outside in the sunshine and I was ecstatic. Oh the joys! Of course, I didn’t take a single picture of our dinner. I only took photos on the way to and from that moment.

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On the way home that Saturday I jumped off the bus early and walked through Queen Elizabeth Park home. It was the perfect temperature, the perfect sunset, the perfect amount of people in the park (only a couple at a distance from me), I was listening to the perfect early-spring-evening-album (Blue by Joni Mitchell) and everything was just. Delightful.

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Sunday was spent dragging Andrew around Canadian Tire looking for a portable BBQs and buying a new table cloth for our living room and cleaning. I love our home. I prepared a bath for Andrew, I lit all our candles and I had a gin and tonic before we made a pork roast dinner and cuddled up on the couch.

And that was the end of that. Hi spring, you are so, so welcomed. Allergies and all.

Dream Nineteen Q2

There’s a popular blog post format doing the rounds in Sweden at the moment. By “at the moment”, I mean it did do the rounds a couple of weeks ago. Since then I thought I’d try to write up my own version of it. Basically, a blog post that describes how 2019 would look like if it was completely up to me. A dream scenario, yet have it be realistic enough that it doesn’t seem out of reach.

I tried writing up my dreams for the full year, but I only got till June. For me it was tough and stressful to dream up plans. I wanted to make them real! I wanted to schedule them in! “At what time exactly are we having that dreamy coffee?” It’s the virgo in me.

The dream-plans ended up being too realistic I think. I couldn’t dream of a better world, because I prefer to make plans in the world we have.

Anyway. I thought I shared my visions/plans/dreams for Q2 of 2019. This is what I came up with:

April:

There are cherry blossoms everywhere. After work, I take trips to document all the glorious streets where the pink trees are taking over. We visit The Big Picnic, Cherry Jam Downtown, Fraser Valley Food Truck Festival and Spring Lights Festival. I go to Tangram for coffee and Sakura ice cream. I swing by my old job at the pet store to say hi to dogs and familiar faces. During Easter, I invite some people over for an Easter dinner. I enjoy Swedish candy that dad sent over in an Easter egg (dad, if you’re reading this, send an egg!).

Oh, and we’ll spend time with Andrew’s cousin and auntie who are both here visiting his other cousin who already lives here - maybe we’ll have brunch at the french cafe down on Fraser. We get our tax refund and it turns out to be way more than we ever could’ve imagined! We spend it all on eating out.

All of a sudden, after a tough winter, I have so much energy. I walk everywhere and clean the house thoroughly every single day. I go to the doctor for beta-blockers and I don’t have a single migraine. Oh, and for some mysterious reasons all my spring-allergies are gone! I breathe in the smell of new cut grass and green leaf trees waking up to bask in the sunshine. I sleep 9 hours a day, I eat prepared lunches almost every day and I manage to repay all my debts.

Oh, and I finally cut a fringe. Imagine that?!

May:

Pre-summer at its finest. We buy a small portable barbeque, which will be our most precious possession during summer 2019. We not only bbq at home, we have our first bbq at the beach! Everyone’s at the beach nowadays. We go there after work some days just to watch dogs run. We read, plan, film. We have margarita and nachos at Sal y Limón. Maybe we’ll dare to try Los Cuervos Taqueria & Cantina too. We take walks down by the water around Yale Town. We have picnics in parks watching people play sports.

We visit Abbotsford Tulip Festival. At the end of the month Andrew leaves for Ireland for almost two weeks. I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. I spend those days reading loads of books, trying not to miss him too much. Trying not to miss my own home country too much.

This month we celebrate our five year anniversary as well! We find the perfect place to have dinner. We dress up in our very best clothes. We take a picture of us down by the ocean.

june:

Andrew’s gone for the first week of june. We all know how I feel about it. I’m a needy girlfriend, what can I say?! When he’s back though, we enjoy Main Street Car Free Day and farmers markets and beach days and park days and Midsummer celebration. We drive up to Squamish to find small lakes to swim in. The water’s cold. We finally go to Richmond Night Market and maybe even the Shipyard Night Market.

Andrew turns 30 at the end of the month; he’ll be gone for work in Victoria. We celebrate both before and after. I’ll join him on Vancouver Island in the beginning of July, and we have some dreamy days on the Island just shooting footage of waves and tall trees. We pretend it’s Hawaii, because that’s really where he wanted to go. I hope and pray he’s happy with this, here, with me, our life. He tells me he is, that this is everything he ever wants from life.