Posts in autumn
Storm Brian
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Det är kallt där jag sitter framför fönstret med en (kall) kaffekopp. Bäst jag sätter på vår mini-heater och riktar den emot ansiktet så jag får brännsår över hela kinden och halsen. Det finns ingen som gillar värme mer än jag, om möjligt så min mamma kanske. Och morfar. Och mormors terrier Harley. Jag menar inte utomhusvärme, jag menar inomhusvärme. Finns det något värre än att frysa inomhus, känns så onödigt på något vis, när man inte behöver. Finns det något bättre än att frysa utomhus och sen komma in i värmen? Jag tror liksom inte det. 

I veckan har jag jobbat kvällsskift. Annars har jag mest kollat på Mindhunters (Netflix) - så bra. Storm Brian far över Irland nu i helgen, det är regnigt och mörkt. Vilket är helt okej, jobbar bara tre dagar nästa vecka så ska passa på att vila, planera, läsa och förhoppningsvis vara ute lite. Regn och jobb verkligen hindrar mig att gå ut. Känner alltid att jag måste be om ursäkt till min kropp, för vi bara sitter på kontorsstolar eller soffor hela dagarna. Men sen måste jag förlåta mig själv igen, för att känna skuldkänslor. Så onödigt, ibland ser livet ut som det gör bara. Betyder ju inte att man inte alltid gör sitt allra bästa. 

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It's cold where I'm sitting, in front of the window with a (cold) coffee cup. I better put on our mini-heater and face it towards my face until it gives me burn marks all over my cheeks and neck. No one likes heat more than me, mom maybe. And grandpa. And grandma's terrier Harley. I don't mean outdoor-heat, i mean indoor-heat. Is there anything worse than being cold inside, feels so unnecessary, when you don't really need to. Is there anything better than being cold outside and to then come in to the heat? I don't think so. 

Throughout the week I've been working evening shifts. Other than that I've been watching Mindhunters (Netflix) - so good. Storm Brian is going over Ireland over the weekend, it's rainy and dark. I don't mind, I'm only working three days next week so I'm going to make sure to rest up, plan, read and hopefully spend some time outdoors. Rain and work really stops me from going outside. I always feel like I have to apologise to my body, for sitting around in office chairs and couches all day. But then I have to forgive myself again, for feeling guilty. So unnecessary, sometimes life just is the way it is. Doesn't mean you're not doing your very best. 

daily, autumnEmma Carlsson
Storm Ophelia

Today is a home day. Hurricane Ophelia is raging across Ireland. So far, where we live, it's not really worse than any other rainy, windy day.

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CUT TO: cinnamon bun and hot chocolate break in front of the last episode of GLOW.

CUT TO: Scratch that. One hour later and we're now facing a proper blizzard. I hope everyone is safe and sound and cuddled up inside. Two people have already died in Ireland due to trees falling. Weather scares me, I respect it deeply. Mother Nature controls everything around us. What if I were to get stuck here, on this island, filled with water? What if I were to never see Sweden again; my family, my forests? I know that won't happen right now, but I've catastrophizing as long as I can remember so why stop now, right? Joking aside, I'm respecting you Ophelia. Do what you have to do, and then leave. Like the rest of us. 

Today I'm spending time with myself, working on pictures, reading, writing, listening. I changed the name on this blog to blue lakes deep forests, same as my instagram account. follow if you want! 

daily, autumnEmma Carlsson
Birthday 2017
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Here I am, on the 20th of September, it's my birthday. I'm on my way to work even though I can barely stand up without wanting to, needing to, sit down. A couple of hours later I leave work again. Head to the doctor, find out that I have shingles. It all makes sense, the big itchy, painful patch area on my back. The dizziness. The rundown, drained feeling. The doctor hands me a note that says I'm off work for more than a week. Stress. What will I miss? What will people think of me? Will I even be able to relax? Will I get fired when I come back? And then, Andrew's gone for work. Long days at home by myself, evenings by myself. The internet stops working. I spend the days reading, dreaming, listening to swedish music, talking to friends + family. We go up to Sligo for a night, for my birthday. More on that later. More on a lot of things later. Internet's back, Andrew's gone again, the September sun is shining outside. 

daily, autumn, , birthdayEmma Carlsson
Time

The past two days have been extremely turbulent for me. Starting a new job has made my transformation into an empty shell complete; feelings are dead and the warmth is gone. I hide somewhere deep inside and put on the automatic pilot. I don't want to be there; here - so I'm not. 

Obviously, this a way of living is not to be recommended. In fact one should avoid it. But I have very little strength left, so I just let it happen to me. I'm still inside there somewhere, but at least I recognize it now - with help from Andrew who always knows what's wrong. 

There are so many things I want to do with my life. So many lives I want to live. My life situation at the moment is painful, because it doesn't give me any joy. The only positive thing in my life at the moment is Andrew, but having the only joy in your life being your boyfriend isn't exactly ideal either. 

Fall is my favourite season; september is my favourite month. I'm turning 28 in a week, Halloween is coming up. These are all good things. These are all things I love. Yet I feel empty, like I'm letting my favourite things just pass by me without appreciating them. 

I think about work a lot. Daily; nightly. I work in sleep, I work in the shower. I work when I'm talking to other people, when I'm watching tv and when I'm making dinner. I spend so much time thinking of my current job because it's scary. Because I'm trying to make it familiar and non-threatning but it's not working out for me. So I stay there, mentally, it consumes me. 

Imagine what I could do with all that time. Imagine I had a job I actually enjoyed, imagine how much I could give to the world, to a job I love. I'd be such an asset, a time-asset. Someone who would commit. It frustrates me thinking of how much time I'm wasting at the moment. Andrew hates when I say waste instead of spend. You're not wasting money, you're not wasting time - you're just spending it. It just goes away. We shouldn't add negative value like that. But I can't help but think that I'm destined to do so much more than this, and it's killing me that I'm not there already. 

philosophy, daily, autumnEmma Carlsson
Dreams Overload

Travel blues. When you come home from a trip, inspired but too tired to act on anything. Leaving Lisbon on Friday morning was tough, even so I was grateful for everything I experienced on the trip. I was grateful for the food, the weather, the people, the places we stayed at and of course so, so grateful for Andrew being the very best travel buddy one can have. 

I'll post a couple of updates from Lisbon after I finally sit down with all the pictures. There's just too many of them. My mind's a bit cluttered at the moment, filled with observations, dreams and new goals. Yesterday was a weird one, every now again I feel really strongly that I should move back to Sweden; to live in a forest somewhere, just me and Andrew and the seasons. What's painful is that I know that if I did that, I'd be dreaming about something else. I don't know where I'll end up yet. It might be just that, in a forest in Sweden. It might be in a little house in Canada. It might be in a van somewhere in Europe, who knows. 

Andrew will soon come home from a wedding job he did yesterday. I'm going to convince him to take me to IKEA, so I can have some meatballs and maybe, maybe buy some crayfish. They won't beat the ones we catch outside our house by the lake in Sweden at mom's place, but they'll have to do. Here are some pictures, for now, from when me and Andrew visited Sweden back in 2014. It was Andrew's first time there, and first time catching crayfish as well I'm sure! 

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daily, throwback, autumnEmma Carlsson