Posts in throwback
SUMMER 2016

In 2016, during the summer months, I moved back home to Sweden temporarily. My plan was to finish my Masters degree at home, get a job, relax with my family and take care of some health issues of mine. I relaxed with my family a little bit, but apart from that everything else sort of fell apart. Life happens and what not. I made this video for school, but ended up never using it. The idea was to film the moments that didn't really mean anything; just everyday moments without any commentary really. My favourite kind of videos? Anyway. Looking back at it now, it's one of the best things I've ever done? Only because watching it now gives me so much joy. I know exactly how it felt like being there, in Sweden, during summer 2016. The clips showcase it so clearly to me. Of course you can't fit a whole summer in a 3 minute clip. Of course I filmed when I saw beauty in everyday life and not just clips of me watching tv or me crying or me wasting my day not doing summer:y things. I want/need to make more films like this. Because it's all in those boring details. It's ALL in there. 

Happy Birthday Kiddo; An Ode To My Brother

Today's my little brother's birthday! When I told him I would write a post about him, he said: "Finally! You only ever write about your little sister, never about me". He's got a point! My brother's so close to me in age, whereas my sister is around 10 years younger than me. The relationship I have with him versus her is so different. What remains the same is the responsibility I feel for them both, being the oldest, and how their happiness means everything to me. Happy Birthday Eric! I love, respect and appreciate you and hope you had the most amazing day. One day I'll be there to celebrate it with you!

Here's some of the memories I have of growing up with you as my annoying lil' bro. 

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Memory I: We're playing outside our grey timber house, it's summer. Daisy, our golden retriever pup, is hanging around looking after us like a proper childminder. On the side of the path leading into our house there's an abandoned Jungle Book juice box with its content sipping out. There are ants everywhere. In that house we dress up Daisy like a doll whenever our parents are sleeping. In that house you spin around in my dresses; your eyes sparkling of joy at the beauty that is your sister's spinning dress that you, too, get to wear. 

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Memory II: Some of our friends are over; they're mostly your friends. Kids seem to like you more, you're funnier, tougher, more playful than me. We're in a different house, sharing a room with a giant image of a forest as our wallpaper. We're jumping on our beds, playing with Smurf-toys. You mention to the other kids that I wet my bed at night, and sometimes I even wet my pants during the day. I hate you for saying that, for sharing secrets. Other memories from that house: us bathing together. Us in mom's bed listening to her reading Barbie books. 

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Memory III: We're at our dad's house, dad's out doing something in the garden, helping grandma and grandpa most probably. He says before he goes, be nice to each other. I don't know why, but we start fighting. You get a scissor and throw it at me, I run out of the house, over to grandma's. At the edge of her house there's a rake, I take it and start swinging it around me creating a border that you can't get through. You cry and scream till dad comes back. Other memories from that house: us playing with Star Wars lego, us playing bats after our shower with our towels as wings, us laying in the dark in our bunk beds listening to scary stories on the cassette tape, us putting "spider webs" all over the house, us creating a trap for dad - so that when he opens the door to our room an object will come flying towards him.  

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Today's your 27th birthday! You're almost as old as I am, you always are. You're the person I share the most memories with. We share trauma, we share joy. There are emotions grown from moments only you and I can relate to.

Here are seven traits of yours I really treasure, admire and look up to: 

1. You're just as sensitive as me. You're connected to your emotions, allowing yourself to live life with both the ups and downs. You understand depth in film and music and literature, it comes easy to you. You understand depth, layers, in people, too. 

2. You're a hard worker, both when it comes to your personal life and your work life. Most importantly maybe, you work hard at fighting for others. There's nothing that engages you more than equality for all and every person's right to live a better life. 

3. You enjoy happiness. You take real pleasure in the small things in life. A cup of coffee, a song, the weather, a view, a good meal, travelling with friends, travelling alone, meeting new people, being by yourself, writing, reading, drawing, finding something nice for your apartment, cooking, etc. 

4. Your ability to be independent. I've always admired how well you take care of things. Where I would fall apart, you persevere. You always seem to have projects going, apartments to move into, jobs to work at, a steady budget: things that I've been struggling with haha. You manage to build stability, no matter how rough things get. 

5. Your social life. People love you, you've always had many friends. You treat your friends like family, you understand the importance of people coming together and collectively growing and not just doing this independently of others. You value "offline" gatherings more than "online" ones. 

6. You're extremely funny, and no one can make me laugh the way you do because of what we share together. I'm guessing I'm the only one who could really laugh at some of your jokes as well, and I love that we share that. 

7. You always seem to understand what people are going through, and even if you don't understand you respect the struggle. You listen without judgement, full of empathy and compassion. 

I'm so incredibly proud of who you are and what you do. I'll always be your number one fan and defender. Love you, mean it. 

The Matriarch

On January 5th my grandma, my mormor, turned 80 years old. She lives far away down south, and we all went down for her birthday; mom, me, my sister, brother (+ his girlfriend), my stepdad, and my uncle. We brought coffee, cake and flowers. She didn’t know what was happening, she probably didn’t recognise us when we arrived, only in moments. Dementia. My auntie and one of my cousins joined us as we celebrated this matriarch, who will never fully know the impact she’s had on all of us.  

Growing up, my family was very female centred. My brother is really the only boy in the family. Otherwise we’re all-female, looking very similar with our long blonde hair. Strong, opinionated women. Loud. Grandpa was there of course, and different boyfriends to mom and my auntie (including all our fathers haha) from time to time. Different males that helped with the house. But we all worshipped one person, and that was mormor. 

We are all mini versions of mormor. We all love big dinners with family above all, the more the merrier. We set an extra plate on the table in case someone swings by. Mismatched everything. Things we find in garage sales, second hand shops. We love things hand made, just like she did. She hung onto everything, every little craft we did at school. She couldn’t let go. Growing up with nothing, it was her goal to treasure it all. Screws, clothes, paper bags and bicycles. Her treasures, her kingdom. 

Mormor wasn’t into negativity. She never showed signs of being sad or angry. She celebrated every moment, she saw the good in it all. She believed the best in people. She took care of them, the vulnerable. She lived to please others, to spread joy. She gave up her own space so other people could fit it, could be seen. She found it hard to sit down, relax. There was always something you could do, for someone else, to be of service. 

She despised gossip. People connecting over hating others, looking down on others. That’s not connection, that’s evil spreading like a virus in our hearts. She loved peace and quiet, except when it came to her family. Again, the more the merrier. The messier, the better. 

I write this in past tense even though she’s still here, with us. I wish I could repay her in some way. I guess me living my best life, me helping others and living out her values is repaying her. Ever since grandpa, morfar, left us she’s been disappearing more and more. Into herself. I guess life caught up to her, all those years of focusing on others instead of herself. Now she’s left very much with only herself, not remembering us too well. Not knowing how much she shaped all of us, how we’re the image of her.  

It pains me that I don’t live closer to her, that I can’t regurlary visit her for coffee and chats.  My biggest fear is that she feels alone, after having such a rich life filled with a big family of mostly women just adoring her. For her to think that it’s all forgotten now, that it meant nothing cause she’s there alone. At the home. Far away from most of her family members.

Tell your elders you love them. Tell them everything they’ve done for you, how important they’ve been. Send pictures that they can hold, words they can read over and over again in case they forget. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself, to do more of just that. 

Mormor, you’re the most beautiful woman I know. Your beauty isn’t just in your glorious face, but in your soul. Thank you for teaching me to be kind, to pray; feel the blessings of life even though you’re not religious, to share with others, to walk around in old, beloved robes all day with bare legs and slippers. Thank you for showing me that with family and friends, you are personal and free. You pee with the door open, while conversating with your loved ones. You invite them in. Thank you for salty, yellow potatoes and the best sauces known to mankind. You matter. So much.  

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love, family, throwbackEmma Carlsson
Leaving Éire

So I left Ireland. It's hard to describe the feeling of leaving a place not knowing when you'll return. If you'll return. It's even harder to describe my feelings about Ireland in general. Let's just say it's complicated.

Perhaps it was where I was mentally and physically in general at that point in my life, but my time in Ireland was anything but easy. From the get-go, I was met with obstacles which challenged every bone in me. An intense feeling of loneliness and not belonging. It didn't help that I was homeless for almost 4 months, moving from hostel to hostel. In Santa Barbara I experienced being homeless for certain periods as well, at the beginning of every semester, but the big difference between SB and Dublin was that I never felt alone in SB. I always had friends I could trust and who loved me, who were experiencing the same thing at the same time. We persevered, together. In Dublin, I was all on my own. And despite the "friendliness" of the Irish, I felt very unwelcome. Like I didn't fit in, completely.

2013. 

  Dublin, September, 2013 - Definitely still in the honeymoon phase.

Dublin, September, 2013 - Definitely still in the honeymoon phase.

I came to Dublin with a friend, so to say I was completely alone is not exactly correct. While we had dreams of finding a place together, the tough housing market in Dublin split us apart. She found a place to stay before me, while I was stuck in bunk beds for another month or so. That first time in Dublin scarred me. The housing market scarred me. Hostels, free toasting bread with jam, humidity and being constantly surrounded by people but always feeling completely alone scarred me. 

There were moments I cherished in the beginning (and throughout, of course). Moments when I felt like "this might be it". Warm nights walking through Temple Bar, sunny Sundays going down to the Sunday market in Dún Laoghaire made me fall in love with Dublin. But as the months passed, the rain and the cold took over and I was growing extremely hopeless of ever finding a place to call my own.

I came to Dublin to finish my studies. I hated how I had just abandoned it in SB, so I was determined to make it work despite the hardships. The first semester while being homeless was tough, and I wouldn't have survived had it not been for the people I met in my class. Indah, the Dutch girl who took me in on nights when no hostels wanted me, and who invited me out for drinks; Jake, who would take the last bus home just to keep me company after school; Shane, who would invite all of us over for tea and couch hang (it felt like a second home); Mike, who joined our class late but shared my love for sad songs.

I also met my current best friend and my favourite person in the whole wide world; Andrew. I tried to resist falling in love with him, but I couldn't. Luckily, he was struggling with the same thing. Despite us being in love, it wasn't particularly a nice experience in the beginning. It rarely is. I was convinced he didn't care for me, really. I even helped him try to get other girls. We were so different yet he reminded me of everything that's familiar. At the end of 2013, we finally got together. And Dublin made a lot more sense. 

2014

The start of 2014 was a roller coaster, to say the least. As soon as I left Sweden after Christmas I found out that my darling precious dog Lovis had died. I finally got a place to stay, and even had a housewarming party - but I still felt lonely and homeless. I didn't like the place where I was staying at. The walls were thin, the rain came through the roof - among other things. I was still desperately in love with Andrew, while he didn't think it was the best idea for us to be together due to having similar friends and being in the same class. I tried to be the "cool girl", so I just agreed with him. Despite not really accepting me as his girlfriend I tricked him into taking these very couple-like pictures of us haha: 

Things were looking up when I got to share an apartment in the middle of Temple Bar with the friend I had arrived to Dublin with! I loved our little space. It felt like for the first time since I got there I could relax. I had my own room, and we had a tv and a couch where we watched Top Gear and ate crisps! I loved it there. Andrew came over early in the mornings and stayed after school. It was the sweetest period in Dublin I had. Mom and my sister came over to visit. Dad, too. 

Then Grandpa died. I took it really, really hard. I hated being far away, I hated only being able to be home for a week. My computer broke down at the same time. I'm not comparing those two things at all, I just remember breaking down publically among friends cause my precious young little heart wasn't used to all that happening all at once. Things kept piling up. A couple of weeks after that, the next big thing happened. An event which completely broke me and changed me as a person. Having to have an abortion in a country where it's illegal is... I don't really know what to say about it. Comparing Sweden and Ireland when it comes to abortion is a bit absurd. In Ireland I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I felt shame and disgust. In Sweden, nobody gave a shit. I was somewhere in the middle. Wanted to not care, knowing it was the right thing to do. But due to the situation, and where I was living, it made everything so much bigger than it had to be. Flying home, taking time off school. The secrecy. I still haven't told many people at all, which is weird to me. I want to be able to tell everyone, which is why I'm writing it here I guess. I cannot take responsibility if other people feel uncomfortable of that fact anymore.

Needless to say I cried a lot Spring 2014. While also falling more and more in love with Andrew every day. Needless to say - I cried a lot in front of Andrew haha. 

Summer 2014 I got a job at Google Maps. I spent the days working, hanging out with new friends and going to the gym in the evenings when I wasn't with Andrew. Summer was a nice break from Fall 2013 and Spring 2014. Nothing really happened, the routine I had going was very much appreciated. I didn't really feel like myself during that summer, but it didn't matter. I welcomed being someone else for a while after having too much of a personal battle for so many months. 

Fall 2014 had a soft start where me and Andrew went down to Kerry on our first trip together. It was one of the most amazing trips ever, and I'll cherish that time we had together forever. A couple of weeks after that we went to Sweden, Andrew's first trip there. He fell in love with the country, and I was so happy he enjoyed Sweden so much as I had started to really feel like Dublin/Ireland might not be the place for me. But I still had a year in college left, so I didn't really think too much about it either. 

After the summer months, me and my Swedish friend had to move from our apartment quite abruptly. Pretty ordinary scenario in Dublin. We moved further away from town, but still central, in an apartment that neither of us really liked. I never felt at home there, it was just a place I slept during the weekdays. Most weekends I spent at Andrew's place outside Dublin. I worked hard at school, trying to take my career seriously, trying to prepare for something afterwards I guess. I enjoyed spending time with Andrew, it was the only thing that really made sense.

2015. 

After celebrating Christmas at home in Sweden, I went back to Dublin to finish off my years of studying (I thought). My friend Sofia came to visit, and Andrew continued to make me happy. We explored the nature of Ireland and I loved getting out on the country side, away from Dublin. The dark, grey city had lost its magic a bit, but the Irish landscape still impressed! School finally ended, so did my financial aid. I finished my thesis, said goodbye (sort of) to our friends from school. I entered the unknown, let's say. 

I got a job for the summer, a job I didn't really enjoy but it was okay. It kept me going, it had me staying. I didn't really want to stay, but Andrew was there. I wanted to be around him, simple as. My life was with him now. My brother came over to visit one time, my dad another time but other than that not much happened. I really hated our apartment and did everything I could not to be there, to be with Andrew instead. I started to have really bad health concerns which took over my emotional and physical life, while I contemplated fall. Andrew was due to start his Masters in Feature Film Production and I wasn't sure what to do. 

I ended up joining Andrew in the Masters course. Not only for Andrew's sake, but I didn't want to work anymore. I thought it was the right thing to do, which perhaps it was. In the beginning, I worked and studied at the same time due to many complications with getting my financial aid going again. I remember thinking "this is it, I'll never experience hardship like this again", but then again that thought reoccurs in life. You just learn to deal with more as you go on. I didn't take many pictures in fall/winter 2015. I tried to focus on surviving. I moved home to Andrew, it made more sense. I was there all the time anyway, and the apartment was too toxic for me. The school was tough, it challenged me in every way. Is this really what I wanted, what I was good at?

2016.

New Years Eve 2015, we were at a wedding celebrating with Andrew's friends. I remember just breaking down, like I had started to do a lot. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be in Ireland, I didn't want to be without Andrew. I felt like I had forgotten something about myself, that I couldn't live my life anymore as me. I didn't feel like I belonged, I complained about minor things and let them ruined me. In school, I ended up producing both a short and a feature film in Spring 2016 so I was doing great career wise. But it all came with many panic attacks, Andrew again being so good at comforting.

I tried to focus on the small things. Books, cups of coffee, meeting with friends, animals, nature, road trips around Ireland, but it was tough. My health wasn't there, my heart wasn't there. I craved hearty conversations with friends, but as friendly as Irish people are when you meet them, I've found it hard to really get close to them. Everything is grand, not a bother. The focus is on Having Fun and keep it light; to not take things so seriously. Swedes are quite the opposite, to us everything is a serious matter. I felt very lonely even though I had Andrew. 

In the summer of 2016 it was time for me to make my Masters thesis. I decided to go home to Sweden and finish it up. Me and Andrew started dreaming about moving to Canada, and we knew we needed to save up money for it. The plan was for me to go home and finish the thesis and then get a job so we could start saving up. I had to take a break from Ireland, I needed family and Sweden and familiarity. It was scary, but it was the right thing to do. I came back to Ireland in the fall to go to our film premier at the Irish Film Institute with the feature film we made earlier that year, but that was it. Andrew kept visiting me in Sweden as well, it worked for a while. 

2017. 

After not having any luck in getting a job in Sweden, I decided to go back with Andrew to Dublin to try my luck there (again). I missed him too much, I didn't care that I had to go back to Ireland that I associated with so much hardship. I still hadn't finished my Masters thesis due to a lot of reasons, mostly depression over being unemployed and alone. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew I wanted to be with Andrew so the decision was made! I got a job pretty much straight away in Dublin. A job that I, naturally, hated. The job itself was okay, but it just wasn't for me. I had such social anxiety and my stress levels were through the roof. I was living in a constant survival mode. 

This blog already contains some details about 2017, so I'm not gonna repeat it all again. I don't know what I would do without Andrew. Rest assure (as much as he hates to hear it), I would not be staying in Ireland if it hadn't been for him. That's a good enough reason. Home is where your heart is and all that jazz! Despite him though, Ireland never really felt like my home. I had trouble getting Irish friends, I always found things to complain about. A lot of things happened in Ireland that the country itself wasn't responsible for, it's just a pity that it all happened there. 

In January we'll move to Canada, just to see what the fuss is about. Currently, I don't see myself ever living in Ireland again, but I've been wrong before! I'll always come back to Ireland. It IS familiar and I have a lot to thank it for. I have family there now, and will always have family there. I feel stronger now. My stay there helped me shaped my values. It made me realise how important it is to be completely yourself, taking care of yourself, taking up space. Some things/places/people are valuable to us not because we stay there/stay friends with them but because we leave. Always forward, never backwards. 

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Vi Var tjugofem För Tre År Sen
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Ibland undrar jag varför jag bestämde mig för att flytta just till Irland. Ibland undrar jag inte alls, jag vet exakt varför. Det var för jag blev sådär uttråkad igen, kände mig ensam - igen. Även fast jag kom hem från Kalifornien, fast besluten om att stanna hemma, att det var svensk skog och svensk mark jag behövde, kändes det ändå som något fattades. Jag var inte "färdig". Hade ju inte ens avklarat studierna, utan hade bara gett upp mitt i. Så jag bestämde mig för att åka igen, dra till ett land där jag inte kände nån igen. Tänkte att regn efter så mycket solsken var det jag behövde. Tänkte att stadsliv efter strandliv var det jag behövde. 

Jag vet inte om jag behövde staden eller regnet lika mycket som jag behövde dig. Jag har aldrig lyckats trivas riktigt bra här, vare sig i Dublin eller utanför. Men du finns här, så det har blivit så att jag bara blir kvar här. Vi klarade av skolan tillsammans, vi som på olika håll inte lyckats förut. Nu, om några veckor, tar vi masterexamen tillsammans. Det är mäktigt när man tänker på det, hur långt jag kommit akademiskt och "karriärmässigt" sett. Men allt det där spelar mindre roll när jag tänker på oss. När jag tänker på att anledningen varför jag råkade hamna här i Irland var så vi kunde hitta varandra. Det låter så klyschigt, men så är det! 

Det är inte långt kvar nu tills vi lämnar Irland och drar på nästa äventyr tillsammans. Om några månader flyttar du och jag till Kanada och kanske blir vuxna på riktigt. Utexaminerade, redo för arbetslivet. Egen lya, helt egna rutiner. Snart kommer hund. Och bil. Vem vet. Det är så himla läskigt, men också självklart. 

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Dessa bilder är tre år gamla, och det märks. Jag har blekt hår, och jackan som blev nerbajsad av en fiskmås. Du har kort hår, och har inte vant dig att vara med på bild än. Jake är med i bakgrunden, vi sitter utanför The Irish Film Institute. Det är Halloween och om en stund går vi till The Christ Church för att se The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari med live musik. Tänk att jag ändå skulle få träffa någon som jag tycker om lika mycket som jag tycker om dig. Och att det är ömsesidigt. Är så glad att jag aldrig pluggade färdigt, att jag hade så tråkigt där hemma. Annars hade jag inte suttit här nu med dig, mer nöjd med livet och framtiden än jag någonsin varit. 

Some Life Goals of Mine: A Year Later
  Source:  Tumblr

Source: Tumblr

Almost a year ago, I was blogging quite a bit (I go through phases) and last night I found this list I wrote almost exactly a year ago - it's a list with some life goals of mine. It'd be fun to go through it and see if any of them has changed: 

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some life goals of mine: 

+ marry
+ live in a house with said husband, be content, feel safe, be happy
+ live a healthy life without restrictions but with healthy routines and habits
+ own a trillion dogs, raise them well, feed them well, love them unconditionally
+ struggle but feel genuine growth from it
+ raise hens, bees, goats
+ explore as much as i can, appreciate every place i’m at - including home
+ write a book
+ live without feeling the need of owning things
+ be as environmental friendly as i can be, stay educated and reduce my carbon footprint as much as possible
+ stay local, buy local, research manufacturers
+ document, always. photographs, videos, writings
+ have a job that i feel genuinely happy doing. if not a job, then a hobby
+ volunteer
+ be a good, loving mom
+ never stop spending time alone in nature
+ be a supporting, loving, caring girlfriend/wife
+ produce film content that i’m proud of; documentaries and such
+ always to trust my gut; if something’s not working for me anymore, try to make a change as soon as possible instead of linger and suffer
+ spend a couple of months in new zealand, australia, bali, and japan
+ hike in austria, germany, switzerland, italy
+ roadtrip around italy with andrew, look at nice cars and eat amazing food
+ visit my cousin in tanzania
+ roadtrip in the states
+ do yoga, always
+ feel safe and loved, always 

I'd say the reason why I put marry as number one was because I was missing Andrew haha. Marrying would be nice, and it will probably happen, but it's not really a life goal of mine. All of the goals on that list remains, which I'm happy to say. The only thing I'd change is the job part - I wouldn't just settle with a hobby. I need to love my job. It can be a boring TYPE of job, but I need to love doing it; to go there. 

There are some of the things on the list that I struggle with still, so they're all still important to me. For example, when trusting my gut: try to change my situation as soon as possible. But I guess everything's relevant; as soon as possible could mean today, in 3 months time or in a year's time. It's not news to anyone that I'm unhappy with my job now for example. If it was up to me I'd quit yesterday. Last night, apart from PMSing, I was having really bad anxiety over going back to work today. But, realistically I can't just quit. I need to stay for a couple of more months, saving money for Sweden and Canada. 

I'm happy to see I still have the same goals: that means that my core wants and needs haven't changed. That means I've sculpted myself into a solid person who knows herself and her happiness - finally. It'll be interesting to see if it still the case a year from now; where will I be? Most probably Canada, but things can change. They always do. 

Spaces

As some of you know, me and Andrew are currently living with his parents in their big house; a pretty regular Irish house in a big estate area. All the houses look the same. There are not many places to hide around here, you'd have to walk quite far to get away from people and cars. Roads in Ireland are narrow and are not really made for pedestrians. It's scary walking along the roads, especially due to the fact that Irish people don't really care about speed limits. 

I'm from a place in Sweden where space is important. To have your own space; to have your own hide out spots and to really prioritise privacy. In Sweden, I'm always very close to nature: to the kind of nature that makes you feel small. Deep forests and empty trails. Hills and empty dirt roads. If there's one thing I miss more than everything else it's just that: space, nature. Being able to go out of your door and go hide somewhere. Here I feel trapped in a mace of look-alike houses.

Ireland is also blessed with wonderful nature, it's just that I live far from it. The other thing I miss the most about living in Sweden is being able to transport myself wherever I want to, whenever I want to. I have a driving licence in Sweden, and access to cars pretty much whenever I want to. Here I've driven twice, but that's all. I wouldn't want to drive here: they drive on the other side of the road, and I already have such driving-anxiety that I wouldn't risk putting myself or others in danger by driving here. Plus I've got no car, and insurance works differently here so I couldn't just borrow one. 

So. On days off, if I'm alone, I feel extremely trapped in this house. I'm dependent on Andrew driving me around, doing things I want to do - because I'm unable to do them alone. I can't just go out and be alone in nature, I can't take the car to places I want to visit. If I want to get something from the grocery store I have to walk through the different estates and meet people out exercising and that's just not what I want some days. 

What I long for is my own car, with dirty roads and deep forest. With music blasting, and maybe a dog in the back (ok so not blasting the music too much). Being able to stop wherever, being able to leave whenever. Last summer and fall I lived at home in Sweden (going through stuff). I remember the only thing that kept me sane (I was missing Andrew like crazy and didn't have a job or friends) was taking forest walks and late night drives. I really wish I still had all those opportunities, maybe I'd be a bit saner now as well. 

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Dreams Overload

Travel blues. When you come home from a trip, inspired but too tired to act on anything. Leaving Lisbon on Friday morning was tough, even so I was grateful for everything I experienced on the trip. I was grateful for the food, the weather, the people, the places we stayed at and of course so, so grateful for Andrew being the very best travel buddy one can have. 

I'll post a couple of updates from Lisbon after I finally sit down with all the pictures. There's just too many of them. My mind's a bit cluttered at the moment, filled with observations, dreams and new goals. Yesterday was a weird one, every now again I feel really strongly that I should move back to Sweden; to live in a forest somewhere, just me and Andrew and the seasons. What's painful is that I know that if I did that, I'd be dreaming about something else. I don't know where I'll end up yet. It might be just that, in a forest in Sweden. It might be in a little house in Canada. It might be in a van somewhere in Europe, who knows. 

Andrew will soon come home from a wedding job he did yesterday. I'm going to convince him to take me to IKEA, so I can have some meatballs and maybe, maybe buy some crayfish. They won't beat the ones we catch outside our house by the lake in Sweden at mom's place, but they'll have to do. Here are some pictures, for now, from when me and Andrew visited Sweden back in 2014. It was Andrew's first time there, and first time catching crayfish as well I'm sure! 

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daily, throwback, autumnEmma Carlsson