If The Sky Comes Falling Down For You, There's Nothing In This World I Wouldn't Do

Heya. It's been a while, I know.

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I guess I've lost myself a little bit. I don't know how to write anymore; I don't know how to start. Unintentional absence. My brain has been so mushy for the past two weeks; for obvious reasons such as PMS then bleeding. Surely there are some non-obvious reasons as well that I still have to figure out. I feel incredibly saddened by the death of Tim Bergling (Avicii). I grew up with his music, whether I wanted to or not, and his songs were enjoyed by everyone - not just house-music-fans. I remember my youth years in Santa Barbara, how we would always feel pride whenever his songs would play at clubs/parties. He was one of us; a Swede, yes, but also just a young guy with ambition and passion. Trying to make it outside our cold, Nordic country. Listening to his songs now makes me emotional; they're full of memories. Not just my memories, but I think most people have memories connected to his songs, whether they are house fans or not. 

Of course, his passing makes me think a lot about mental health, and physical health as well. It makes me think of the pressure young people are under, myself included. It reminds me again that this is all temporary. For someone who's had death anxiety since she was a kid, the notion that even "successful" people can die at a young age, way before they should've gone, scares me to no end. The thought of people all over the world, leaving us before they have experienced true happiness, calmness, contentedness, absolutely just breaks my heart. It's not dying that's scary, it's living without a purpose, it's living without joy. Always wishing things were different, perhaps always being scared. Always feeling like you're not living your life the way you really want to. 

What is success? Is it climbing the ladder? Being acknowledged and validated by a huge audience? Success looks different for all of us, sure. What is my version of success? I'm still reading Playing Big by Tara Mohr, I'm on the chapter where she talks about our Inner Mentor. The idea of the inner mentor is seeing yourself 20 years from now, who you really are, and take inspiration from that person in every decision you take. How can you move towards that person/life? It's such a life-changing book for me, that I'm reading it super slowly so I can really take it all in. This month has been all about thinking about the future, thinking of my Inner Mentor; where am I heading? How can I create personal success? How can I bring more joy into my life? This all mixed with fear that I'm always living in the future; I have no balance and I'm not enjoying the moment I'm in. Who said life was easy, right? 

I'll keep on blogging. I need to prioritize documentation, purely for the reason that my future self will want to see this life as well. I love reading through old posts; I want to create that same experience for my future self.

This post has been all over the place. I know it probably doesn't make sense, but neither does my thoughts at the moment so it is what it is!

Take care out there x 

philosophyEmma Carlsson