If you look up flawed in the dictionary, you'll find my name, underlined. Maybe even in bold. I say flawed, because of synonyms such as "unsound, defective, faulty, distorted, inaccurate, incorrect, erroneous, imprecise, fallacious, misleading" + more. I say flawed because sometimes my own paradoxical way of living annoys me to no ends.
I feel broken, out of sync with the world and sometimes even myself. There are things I want to be doing, but I'm not doing them. There are things I love that I can't STAND. Does this make me special? Not really, I genuinely believe most humans are the same: we all have contradicting emotions/opinions. We're all underlined under flawed. Not many people talk about themselves and their struggles, though. Instead, we fill our feeds with success stories and seemingly happy-go-lucky people. We compare ourselves and come to the conclusion that there's something genuinely wrong with us. But we're all the same, really.
I'm trying to show up. For myself, mostly. Because the more growth I allow myself, the better I feel. It makes me a better human, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc.
Here's a list of things I struggle with at the moment:
. Wherever I am is not where I want to be.
. I want to travel & explore, but I want to create a home & stability.
. I want to be super-productive, do all the things & win the world over! But I also want to hide in a hut somewhere, live a quiet life with just my dog, the kettle and my Netflix account.
. I want to be fierce, loud and opinionated! But I also want to be quiet, reserved and private.
. I want to be a nutrition expert! To only eat vegan food! Only on a budget of like, $2 a day! But I also love "trashy" food. And big homecooked dinners. And fancy restaurants. I don't want to restrict myself to anything because I know only bad things come from restrictions. But I also don't trust myself when it comes to eating without any restrictions. I just wanna live, to eat what I want, when I want! But I also know that that's not what makes my body feel its best.
. I want to wake up at 4.00AM and do work before everyone else, knowing my brain works the best in the morning! But I also want to sleep in, because I love late nights watching tv, being with people I love. It's when my brain rests and my heart does all the work.
. I want kids, now. I want 20 dogs, now. A big house. But I also want to live in a trailer, just me and Andrew traveling.
. I want to work with film. Videomaking. I want to work with writing, books. I want to work with dogs! I want to work with photography. I want to work with children, as a teacher maybe! I want to work with anything other than what I'm working with right now.
The word balance. I hate it, because our lives rarely feel balanced! It's what we all strive for, at all times, but we rarely reach that balance. So why fight for the unattainable? Yet I do believe in striving for some sort of contentment. Contentment in the mess, in the contradictory. Contentment in who we are as people, being flawed. Being kind to people, but also being a bit of a prick to some. Being loveable, but also accepting that some people might not like the way you roll - simply put. Being productive, independent and creative, but also being a big needy slug who just wants to be taken care of without having to prove anyone anything.
I guess that's where breathing comes in. Did you allow yourself to breathe today? It's still on my to-do list. But I'll get there!