Anti-Capitalist Love Notes
Happy Valentine's day! Let's talk about me instead of love for a minute.
Ever since I first saw this ANTI-CAPITALIST LOVE NOTE it's been on my mind. Its message is something I remind myself quite often as I have to. It's on my mind now, when me and Andrew have trouble sleeping / talking to family members / surviving without going crazy as we try to make our way through the cannibalistic jungle that is job hunting.
The goal has always been to get away from all that. From all this. From writing cover letters (convincing you that I want this job for your company's sake and not for my own?) and doing group interviews (competing for a low paying job that you don't really want?). The goal has always been to become more and more free from the system that we're all forced to align with in order to survive. Living in a capitalistic society is demanding, and I'd say it's almost impossible to not have to adjust your life accordingly in some shape or form no matter how "free" you are. I accept it, and I try my hardest to not feel guilt or shame when I fall for what they want me to fall for. This valentine's day I'm therefore trying to celebrate me - with AND without my achievements.
Job hunting is tough; I knew it would be. It always is. One week unemployed feels like one month. No matter how much work you do, how many people you reach out to, you're always gonna feel like you could've done more. There's a lot of comparison going on: how did that person make it? What am I doing wrong? I am probably not worthy / not as good / not as suitable. My merits don't measure!
Enter: The Imposter Syndrome! Which I won't write more about here because we all (probably) knows what it means.
Newsflash / reminder to self: you are just as worthy, you are just as talented, intelligent, kind, and brave. You are able to create your own life. You have the power to take control and to let go. Your creativity matches your peers (and yes, they are your peers and not some almighty beings living in another dimension), it might just be different and different is okay.
Newsflash / reminder to self 2: know that your value doesn't come from your productivity / your work anyway. Know that you are worth a sick day even though you don't have a job, or it was just the weekend. Know that you are allowed time to take care of yourself. You deserve kindness, respect, and love even though you didn't produce anything today.
Newsflash / reminder to self 3: everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources and abilities they have at any given time. This applies to you, too. There is not some superwoman inside of you waiting to emerge who are more worthy. There is no such thing as "if only I did this or that then I too would be deserving" - you are deserving as you are. Flaws and all.
(Sidetrack: and wasn't this why Ladybird is such a relevant and intimate film? Because we have all felt exactly like Ladybird standing outside the dressing room asking her mom if she likes her, just as she is? Without improving even the slightest?)
To conclude: I am incredibly lucky to have someone who loves me exactly as I am. It's almost bizarre how little I have to do in order for him to see the magic in me. My goal is to feel the exact same way towards myself: to be in love with myself. Not just on the days when I've achieved something or "proved" to society that I'm a serviceable human, but also on days when I don't do much at all except practicing kindness. I hope on this valentine's day, or any given Tuesday (or Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday) you let go of comparison and the destructing belief that your life would be better if only you had x, y, and z. Treat Valentine's Day as a day where you allow yourself to take extra good care of yourself and love yourself as much as you love others + others love you.