Spaces

As some of you know, me and Andrew are currently living with his parents in their big house; a pretty regular Irish house in a big estate area. All the houses look the same. There are not many places to hide around here, you'd have to walk quite far to get away from people and cars. Roads in Ireland are narrow and are not really made for pedestrians. It's scary walking along the roads, especially due to the fact that Irish people don't really care about speed limits. 

I'm from a place in Sweden where space is important. To have your own space; to have your own hide out spots and to really prioritise privacy. In Sweden, I'm always very close to nature: to the kind of nature that makes you feel small. Deep forests and empty trails. Hills and empty dirt roads. If there's one thing I miss more than everything else it's just that: space, nature. Being able to go out of your door and go hide somewhere. Here I feel trapped in a mace of look-alike houses.

Ireland is also blessed with wonderful nature, it's just that I live far from it. The other thing I miss the most about living in Sweden is being able to transport myself wherever I want to, whenever I want to. I have a driving licence in Sweden, and access to cars pretty much whenever I want to. Here I've driven twice, but that's all. I wouldn't want to drive here: they drive on the other side of the road, and I already have such driving-anxiety that I wouldn't risk putting myself or others in danger by driving here. Plus I've got no car, and insurance works differently here so I couldn't just borrow one. 

So. On days off, if I'm alone, I feel extremely trapped in this house. I'm dependent on Andrew driving me around, doing things I want to do - because I'm unable to do them alone. I can't just go out and be alone in nature, I can't take the car to places I want to visit. If I want to get something from the grocery store I have to walk through the different estates and meet people out exercising and that's just not what I want some days. 

What I long for is my own car, with dirty roads and deep forest. With music blasting, and maybe a dog in the back (ok so not blasting the music too much). Being able to stop wherever, being able to leave whenever. Last summer and fall I lived at home in Sweden (going through stuff). I remember the only thing that kept me sane (I was missing Andrew like crazy and didn't have a job or friends) was taking forest walks and late night drives. I really wish I still had all those opportunities, maybe I'd be a bit saner now as well. 

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